When you first dip your toes into the world of kink, one of the first questions you’ll encounter is: “Are you a Dom or a sub?”
It’s a simple question — but the answer is rarely that straightforward.
BDSM isn’t a binary system of who holds the whip and who receives it. It’s a vast and varied landscape of roles, archetypes, and dynamics that blend psychology, desire, and creativity. Understanding where you fit on that spectrum can help you communicate better, build more satisfying scenes, and embrace your authentic kinky self.
Let’s break it down.
Dominant Archetypes
Dominants, or Tops, are those who take control in a scene. But not all Dominants lead the same way.
Here are a few common flavours:
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The Classic Dom / Domme: Confident, assertive, and enjoys structure. They lead with authority and thrive on responsibility.
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The Daddy / Mommy: Nurturing and protective, offering structure, care, and sometimes discipline. Emotional connection is key here.
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The Sadist: Finds pleasure in giving pain (consensually, of course). They might not crave control in other ways — the focus is on sensation.
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The Service Top: Provides sensations or control for their partner’s pleasure. They lead, but their goal is to fulfil another’s needs rather than their own power trip.
Submissive Archetypes
Submissives, or Bottoms, surrender control — but that doesn’t mean they’re passive. Submission is an act of power in itself.
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The Classic Sub: Enjoys following direction, feeling guided or owned, and thrives on trust and structure.
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The Brat: Pushes back playfully, testing limits and teasing Dominants who enjoy a bit of rebellion.
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The Masochist: Seeks out pain for the rush, catharsis, or emotional release it brings.
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The Service Sub: Gains fulfilment from serving — from making tea to polishing boots. The act of service becomes an expression of devotion and purpose.
Switches: The Best of Both Worlds
Not everyone fits neatly into one box — and that’s completely normal.
Switches enjoy exploring both sides of the slash (/). Maybe you’re dominant in some moods, submissive in others, or only take control with certain partners.
Switching allows for flexibility, empathy, and a deeper understanding of power dynamics. You might love the sensation of giving over control one day and crave the thrill of command the next. That fluidity doesn’t make you indecisive — it makes you self-aware.
Beyond the Binary: Non-Traditional Roles
The kink world is full of nuanced identities that don’t fall cleanly under “Dominant” or “submissive.” You might identify as:
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Primal (Hunter or Prey): Driven by instinct, intensity, and animalistic energy.
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Owner / Property: A 24/7 dynamic rooted in long-term structure and identity.
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Rigger / Rope Bunny: Defined by rope, creativity, and the art of restraint.
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Handler / Pet: Exploring play that blurs the line between care, control, and transformation.
You don’t have to pick one label for life — these are tools for understanding yourself, not boxes to live in.
Prompts to Explore Your Role
Try these reflections to uncover your archetype:
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When do you feel most empowered — when you’re leading or letting go?
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What emotions does control bring up for you — excitement, fear, relief, responsibility?
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How do you express care — through service, dominance, nurturing, or obedience?
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Which sensations or experiences do you crave most — giving, receiving, or sharing?
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What scenes from books, films, or fantasies stick with you — and why?
You might discover patterns that point to your natural leanings — or realise you enjoy multiple archetypes depending on the context.
Final Thoughts
Finding your archetype isn’t about restricting yourself — it’s about understanding how you tick. Whether you’re a strict Dominant, a bratty submissive, or a switch who loves both sides, your preferences are part of what makes your kink identity unique.
Embrace your curiosity, communicate openly, and remember: the best label is the one that feels true for you.